I intended to abandon this blog forever. As well as my relationship with God. But like a jealous lover, He pursued me as I came to end of myself and realized just how much I need Him. There’s an entire story to that which I will elaborate later.
I tried to end this in a season of confusion, when my heart was broken and I was running away from Jesus. Just a few months later, I came back to the cross, and it’s been a long season of healing and restoration since then. Occasionally, I would look back at this blog and remember that this was my ministry. I truly believe that many will be delivered through the word released from my online pulpit. But I never knew how to get back into it after stopping the way I did. Until a few nights ago, when Holy Spirit spoke to me by bringing to remembrance a scripture I once knew so well:
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-4)
The place to begin is forgiveness.
Last year, I moved away, leaving everything I knew behind to pursue a higher calling I believed in. When things didn’t go as I’d imagined, I didn’t know how to cope. Suddenly, I found myself on a self-destructive path. It was around this time last year, that a concerned friend spoke up about noticing something was off. This friend was one of . . . if not the biggest supporter I had on my missionary journey to pursue my calling. I was in a hurt place, and she was hurt seeing the destruction to which I gave myself. We both responded out of hurt and ended up offending each other. I never forgave her for that.
The past couple of months, I’ve sought the Lord about how to find my place in ministry again. And I’ve felt stuck. I thought the answer would be about revealing a grand assignment. But I forget about the little things that matter in my walk with the Lord. The things I take for granted. It seems like such a tiny thing, an offense between me and another person. But it matters to God. It is poison.. A foothold for the devil (Eph 4:26) every time I give into it. So I’m ready to let go so that He can release me into what it is that I seek.
I love you, and I’m sorry that I’ve held this offense against you for so long. I believe that your heart was for me in that moment even though I was unable to receive that truth then. I truly choose to no longer hold it against you, and humbly ask your forgiveness for holding contentions against you. I really hope that we can really discuss what happened and move on. You were always an amazing friend to me, and I’ve been blessed to have you in my life. I regret that I ever kept you out of it.
“I’m only human.
Let’s shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You’re only human
Let’s shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness.”