“What I believe you espoused at the time was what I’ll refer to as intuitive protestantism. I thought you were, by proxy, elevating yourself to a sort of gnostic superiority that you could do what you wanted because you believed God or the Holy Spirit moved you to. You had no real moral or ethical boundaries except what is often agreed to in generic Christianity, and that concerned me. Plus I believe your charismatic faith, as it does with ALL charismatics, led you into a constant loop of depression which I BELIEVE I empirically witnessed with you in an undeniable way…”
These were the words of a man who loved me and knew me intimately. When I first heard them, I was insulted. How dare he attribute my faith to my struggle with depression. Because in fact, it was my struggle with depression that led me into my faith.
I was a sixteen-year-old cutter who wanted a reason to live. And I met that reason. His name was Jesus.
Suddenly, everything in my life made sense. My deepest desire for significance. The longing in my heart to have a purpose, a destiny. A hole that no counterfeit affection could fill. I was in love with this man and his call to reconcile man to God. Twelve years later, I’m still all about him. And still struggling with depression…
I think there is still some greater mystery about God that is intangible. Religion thinks it has him all figured out. Yet how do we account for the terminally ill ones we pray for who pass away? I already came to know that depression was not something I could just pray away; but now I realize, maybe it is still naive to believe God is just going to come and deliver me. No amount of inner healing or deliverance ministry has penetrated this dark place in which I have become more familiar with sadness than I ever will be with joy. How do I not find offense with God for that? That’s when I wonder.
Maybe faith is in acknowledging that depression will be my lifetime struggle and choosing to still love God anyway.
My former love was a bit aggressive in his beliefs about me, and I would never completely agree with him. But I believe there is a reason his words never left me. Who do I expect God to be? My superhero to take away all my problems? Or someone with whom I truly desire to have relationship? I am actually quite terrified of the things I have gone out of my way to believe for supernaturally; including a resolution to my mental health and emotional peace without actually seeking resolution.
Now my resolution is to pursue that relationship with God and letting that be the driving force that wills me to live. Regardless of how little will remains at the moment. Believing in something greater than myself should be more than enough to sustain me. So I leave behind my delusions of grandeur and embrace peace. And ultimately, that is my deliverance.